Hi, I'm Brandy Stevenson reporting from Sherman Oaks.
It's national blood donor month,
and as some of you know,
we have a severe blood shortage
right here in our very own San Fernando Valley.
How's the response been so far?
Just great, Brandy. In fact we've got three donors
inside the bloodmobile right now.
But we've saved a spot just for you
if you think you're ready.
I am ready. Let's do it.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
No.
Okay. Now squeeze this a few times,
and we'll have you out of here in just a couple minutes.
Oh. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
What's going on?
Okay, team, the Valley lost a lot of blood today.
Four bloodmobiles were hijacked
within a ten-mile radius of this station.
And before we go after the vamps that I am sure did it,
I want to locate and secure said bloodmobiles,
so the public knows it is safe to donate.
Is something funny about this situation, Johnson?
No, sir.
Then why are you smiling?
That's my natural expression, sir.
Fair enough.
Got your whole life ahead of you.
Why wouldn't you smile, huh?
I look in the mirror and all I see
is a grizzled veteran with smoldering brown eyes
and a hero's jawline.
Either way, people, it is on us
to address the shortage of blood in this valley.
Do you understand me?
I actually, uh, gave today.
There's a lolly in my desk.
Meanwhile, Stubeck,
Pierce,
Johnson,
Rinaldi, you join me at the bloodmobiles.
The rest of you, let's go out there and kill something.
Let's do it.
Hey, captain?
Um, is there anything that I can do to help?
Officer Landry, I have a special assignment for you.
I have a niece named Natalie,
she goes to high school in north Hollywood.
Her mother, my sister, seems concerned about her,
specifically about some kind of a party
that's happening tonight
she keeps talkin' about on her Facebook...
"G. B./G. B."
You have any idea what that could mean?
Uh, get beer...
Get beers, get banged,
green bananas, Gary Busey.
I want you to get into your civies,
I want to go to that party,
and I want you to find out what Natalie's up to.
Um, so, I joined the UTF to fight a monster epidemic,
and you're sending me to babysit your niece.
Babies don't post stuff on their Facebook page
about making out with the head cheerleader
just to titillate a bunch of
teenage, hormonal boys.
Is that what she said she's gonna do?
I have no idea.
Well, with all due respect,
captain, what does this have to do with work?
Well, let's see,
you're a rookie, and you work for me.
Any more questions, officer Landry?
Mm-mm.
So, captain Dashell,
I see that you have your troops out here in full force
this evening.
That's correct.
In fact, uh, two of my officers
are in there right now, donating blood.
That's wonderful.
Oh, and... you are?
I'm officer Billy Pierce.
And I just want to to say, you look...
You look even more lovely in person than you do on TV.
Oh, well, thank you,
but this is actually my first time on air.
I watch you all the time,
and I love what you do with that super lotto.
I believe you're thinking of Brandy Stevenson,
and she's no longer with us.
I'm a big fan. All right?
You are thinking
of Brandy Stevenson.
She's the one that died in the bloodmobile.
You're hittin' on a dead woman right now.
Can you guys fix this in post?
- I'm not sure, I'm not sure. - When you do that in post...
Miss Young, do you want to interview me?
Cut. Cut, cut.
Do you want to ask me any more questions?
No, I'm pretty much done. Thank you.
Stubeck, Billy, you guys are up.
Uh, we already gave, sir.
Well, give again. Come on, Stubeck,
you're a big guy, you oughta be giving
more than anybody.
Uh, captain,
you understand that's not really
how blood works.
Excuse me, Rinaldi, I spent enough time in combat.
I've seen pretty much every episode of Grey's Anatomy.
I think I know a little something about blood.
Okay?
Hang on.
Okay.
They located the hijacked bloodmobiles.
I want you guys there, ASAP.
You see any vampires, you shoot to kill.
But I didn't get my free punch and cookies, man.
I'm kind of woozy from...
The nurse said like no strenuous activity
for six to eight hours.
Huh. Oh, hold on.
Uh, it's the vampires.
Apparently, they're not taking a six to eight hour break.
Darn the luck.
Now go out there and find out
who hijacked my bloodmobiles!
Now!
Man, I am hungry. You hungry?
Here, John-John. Dashell gave me two of them.
What's this, man? What flavor is this?
What does it look like?
Red.
Thanks, man. This is cool.
I mean, I'm in pretty good shape,
you know what I mean?
But it still takes a lot out of a man
when he gives blood. I'm just sayin'.
Why do you always tell me you're in good shape?
Do I?
Yeah, kind of.
I mean, come on, I see you every day.
I know you're in good shape.
Oh, so you, uh... You noticed?
Yes, John-John.
You have a nice body.
Thank you.
Now, is there something you want to say to me?
Thank you for noticing I have a nice body?
Ah, will you look at that?
A thing of beauty.
Man, I love my job.
John-John, come on.
There's probably vampires in there.
What, what do you want me to get,
the "uhh-v" gun?
You mean the UV gun?
I know how to spell it, Carla.
Fine.
Yo, where's Billy?
Eh, he's been snoozing since we gave blood.
Oh, I don't blame him.
I mean, giving blood takes a lot out of somebody.
- Mm-hmm. - I mean, look at me.
I mean, I'm in pretty good shape...
Damn.
I do say that a lot, don't I?
Well, you take care of your body.
That's to be commended.
Me, I have subcutaneous fat,
so gettin' that "v" shape is basically out of the question.
I've been doing this great workout,
you know, the P90X...
You guys want to kill some monsters?
Or should we just hang out, and talk about our bodies?
Wow.
This could be a setup, everybody.
Be very, very careful getting inside these things.
I got your back, go ahead.
Baby, you good?
- Mm-hmm. - Mm.
Oh... zombie! Zombie! Zombie! Zombie!
You see, that's why I wanted my bat.
"Uhh-v" gun doesn't work on zombies.
Nice shot.
Oh, no!
No! No, no, no, no!
Rinaldi, John-John, cover the mobile...
Bloodmobiles.
We're in pursuit of a vamp.
Time-out!
I call time.
Ah!
- Whoo! - Time-out?
Aw, time-out.
Listen, she's not gonna stop
'cause you called time-out, stu.
You slept in the car.
I power-napped.
Well, then power-run after her,
and I'll stay here, in case she doubles back.
You know what, I'm not gonna leave my partner.
You'd do that for me?
Actually, I'm pretty tired.
Stubeck, Pierce,
please return. Code three.
Officers Rinaldi and Johnson in need of immediate backup.
Ten-four.
Now we gotta walk all the way back.
Why didn't we drive?
You know, that's what I love about New York,
you need a cab and...
Boom, it's right there.
You know, I used to drive a cab.
- Did you really? - Uh-huh.
I drove a cab for two years in Minneapolis.
You know what, there is not one part
of that sentence that I envy.
Whoa!
But you look like a guy who could drive a cab.
What does that mean?
How do I look like a guy that would drive a cab?
Explain that to me.
Jesus!
Whoa, that was close.
Yeah.
Why so serious, gorgeous?
Right. Party.
Jesus, what's with all the zombies?
There's a whole lot of them out there, damn!
Where the hell they comin' from?
- Ah! - Bitch.
- John-John? - Yeah, yeah.
Look.
- I'm on it. - All right.
What the...
Okay.
Whoever kills more zombies buys breakfast.
You mean gets a free breakfast.
No, I'm saying I'm gonna buy you breakfast.
Well, that's very sweet of you.
- You're welcome. - Uh-huh.
Left, Carla, left!
- Carla, what are you doing? - I'm out of ammo.
Don't worry, baby. I got you, I got you.
- Damn it. - Where's the ammo?
In the car.
See, the bat never runs out of ammo.
What?
No bat, no gun, no ammo.
No.
Hey, do you work at subway?
Because you just gave me a foot-long.
Classy.
Chad, why are such a wiener?
Thanks for that.
It's my first time here.
I'm Amber, by the way.
Hi. Natalie.
So, um, who'd you come with?
Oh. Some guy that I met at a club.
But I don't see him.
You know Rico, though, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Um, you mean, um...
It's Rico's house.
Yeah, I know.
Don't worry, though, Rico is gonna love you.
What's going on over there?
Oh. Okay, well, she just gave blood
and Rico just gave her a black kiss.
It's a nice little buzz from his saliva.
There's something in his saliva?
Ye, every vampire has it.
I hear it tastes like jager.
You know, give blood, get buzzed.
Give blood, get buzzed.
Yeah, if you give blood first,
it's supposed to make the buzz a lot more intense.
Are you sure it's okay to be drinking that?
Oh, my God.
You sound just like my mom.
Don't worry, mom, I haven't tried it.
Yet.
I know you.
I don't know you.
Amber.
Amber, I'm Rico.
Welcome to my den... of iniquity.
I'm kidding.
Mostly.
But you ladies need to officially join the party.
Okay.
You called Billy and Stubeck, right?
Yeah, what the hell happened to them?
How did you guys run out of ammo?
Don't you have like extra ammo, just in case?
Hey, you shut up!
Hey Carla, remember when we were talking
about having sex if we were about to die?
You talked about it.
Oh, yeah, my bad.
Keys!
Ha ha, who's your hero now, huh?
You get us out of here, I just might reconsider.
Get... no!
Hey, I'll do man stuff with you, whatever, I'll...
- Whoa! - Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Holy crap!
Okay. Okay, we gotta get up.
We gotta get up.
Oh, what do we do now?
We're gonna wait for Billy and Stubeck
to get their asses over here, that's what we're gonna do.
Okay.
Watch out, watch out!
Blood incoming, could be infected.
What?
- What are you doing? - No, no! What?
It's fruit punch.
It's fruit punch? Really?
Look! Fruit punch and cookies!
Look.
- Thanks, man. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got it.
No!
Did you see the brains that came out of that?
- Ugh. - Yeah.
All right, let's go. Come on, chop chop!
Lift me up. Help her out, Kevin.
- One, two, three. - Lift.
Go, go, go!
Hey, I think I see Billy and Stubeck!
Stubeck, Pierce, we need ammo.
Repeat, we need ammo.
Ten-four, we're on our way.
Are you eating something?
Cookie.
Save us cookies.
We'll get you ammo.
Good girl.
I'm... not sure if I'm ready.
Then why are you here?
Why are you here, Amber?
Come on. It's not like
it's gonna kill you, or anything.
You're welcome here anytime, Amber.
I figured you'd come around.
Nice.
Night, night.
Get your hands off!
Why are we throwing them ammo?
I mean, why don't we just start shooting 'em?
Because Carla's inside the bloodmobile.
And I won't be responsible for you missing a zombie
and taking that woman's head off.
Well, then you know what, I should throw 'em
'cause I was the quarterback on my high school football team.
Oh, yeah? Varsity?
- JV. - Mm-hmm.
That being said, I went to the same high school
as Matthew McConaughey.
What does that mean?
I was a catcher on the baseball team.
- Varsity. - Oh, really?
Catcher? - Mm-hmm.
Is that 'cause you had a good arm,
or 'cause you're a big guy?
Damn it, Billy,
I am very comfortable at this weight.
- I am an attractive man... - Yo, what the?
Help!
Oh...
Aw.
- That's off. - Seriously?
Nice work, JV. Gimme that.
That'll do it.
- Ammo! - Cookies!
- Hey, great minds. - Yeah.
- Ho! - Boom.
- Comin' high. - Oh!
- Nice one. - Thank you.
He would've been out at second on that one.
Absolutely.
Ooh!
Oh!
She is a good marksman, Carla.
What do you know about accuracy?
Burn!
- Got 'em. - Winning.
Officer Landry.
Where are you going? You look all dolled up.
Uh, you... made me...
Follow your niece to a party.
Yes! Yes, I did.
Do you know how long it's been since I've been to a party?
Wednesday. Last Wednesday.
Anyway, did you find anything about my niece
I should worry about?
Your niece seems really sweet, captain.
I... I do think that...
Her group of friends might be
starting to get into a little bit of trouble.
What kind of trouble?
If she's into some crazy crap,
I want to put somebody with experience on the case.
You know...
I think that it's just... The normal teenage stuff.
Parties. Boys.
Some drinking.
Nothing too serious.
But, uh...
If you want, I mean, I could try to find out more.
You can never be too safe with kids, right?
I think that's a good idea.
And you have the appropriate outfits?
Uh...I mean, just to blend in...
Tube tops, short shorts,
navel ring... That kind of stuff?
- I have outfits, yes. - Excellent.
Very good.
Wow, look at this.
I see you gave blood..
Well done, "kristen."
Oh.
I might just do the same, exact thing
tomorrow morning.
- Such a giver, captain. - Ha ha.
It's just a little prick, that's all.
How's it going down there? My blood good?
Everything coming out the way you want it?
You're doing great. Just relax.
I am relaxed. You relax.
I'm very relaxed.
I've done this many, many, many times.
You're almost done.
Almost done? I just sat down like two...
Holy crap! My blood's coming out fast.
Is that normal?
That's absolutely normal.
Okay.
You, sir...
Are... good to go.
Ah, okay.
Happy to do my part, ma'am.
Part of being a giver.
Look what I got for you.
Ahh! Animal crackers. Ha ha!
Some things just make you feel young again, you know?
I know exactly what you mean.
These are so good.
My mom used to feed us jerky. Jerky, and sometimes peanuts.
We were never allowed to have crackers...
Or cookies.
I bet some people panic, huh?
They're shooting a porn movie in here.
Unfortunately, I was in the bathroom masturbating
the whole time. Excuse me?
We're coming up on a full moon.
I just need to make sure that you're in compliance.
Yes, yes.
He escaped, officer.
Freeze!
There's nothing going on out here.
That's how you kick some wolf ass.
- Honey, stop it. - One of these days.